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The Final Panel #1
Happy Birthday, Abby!
Tales of the Texas Giant
The following tall tales regarding war hero, Republic president and state governor Sam Houston were gathered on a recent sociological excursion to Houston, Texas. Many experts in Texas folklore were interviewed to obtain this list of legends that have been passed down from generation to generation of storytellers.
Sam and the Cherry Cobbler
One day, Sam Houston entered a pie eatin’ contest in the city of Nacogdoches. Unbeknownst to him, that ol’ rascal Antonio Gayle Lopez de Santa Ana had filled Sam’s cherry cobbler with 101 of the hottest jalapeño peppers the world had ever seen. Now when the contest started, Sam knew something wasn’t right with that pie, but he kept on eating on account of his wanting to win hisself a kiss from a visiting duchess.
Sam ended up eating one flamin’ hot cherry cobbler, two blueberry pies, a boysenberry pie and a roasted duck someone had on hand, just ‘cause he could.
Now after Sam won the contest, no one could go within 10 feet of him, on account of the heat from them 101 jalapeños. So the people of Nacogdoches brought Sam a five-gallon barrel of milk, which he drank up before giving that duchess the best kiss of her life.
But all them jalapeños and milk weren’t sittin’ right in Sam’s belly. The next morning he gave birth to a giant ball of fire he named Mary Anne, and later that night he gave birth to a giant ball of cheese he called Edgar. Well Sam took Mary Anne and Edgar and placed them up in the sky where they could run around and play. If you look real hard, you can still see them up there today, though people not from Texas tend to call them the sun and moon.
Sam and the Bear
Once, back in the wilds of Tennessee, Sam Houston found hisself lost and starving in the woods. Weak and desperate, Sam killed a she-bear using only his hands and an oak tree. In the process of cleaning the bear, Sam discovered she’d been pregnant with four cubs.
Always kind to the young of every species, Sam sewed the cubs up in calves, so they’d be safe until they were ready to be born.
Now about three months later, Sam once again was out in the woods. And wouldn’t you know, them cubs reckoned they were due. Sam opened up his calves and out popped four little tykes, half man and half bear. Sam gave each a feather granting them invulnerability, wished ‘em well and sent them on their ways.
Then those hairy, wild boy-cubs dispersed across the world becoming the Sasquatch, the Yeti, Big Foot and Teddy Roosevelt.
Sam Fords a River
During his time as president of the Republic of Texas, Sam Houston came to a river while on his way back to Austin, having just chased the Devil out of San Antonio. When Sam was almost half-way across the river, he was attacked by a family of hippopatamuses. If there’s one thing hippos hate more than humans encroaching on their territory, it’s presidents.
Now Sam didn’t have much trouble fighting off the hippos, but during the scuffle, one of the hippos made off with Sam’s favorite jackalope, Bessie. Incensed, Sam went back to Austin and, first thing, made a presidential decree banishing all hippos from the Republic.
And that’s why there ain’t any hippos in Texas these days.
Sam and Nuevo Laredo
One time, Sam Houston and Davy Crockett were in Laredo buying fireworks and inventing margaritas. Sam and Davy got to talkin’, and on account of all them margaritas they were inventing, they started arguin’ about who could kill the most armadillos.
Everyone in Laredo north of the Rio Grande said Houston, but everyone south of the river said Crockett. That’s why when Texas won it’s independence the Rio Grande was made the border. Sam didn’t want non of those pro-Crockett folks in old Laredo in his damn Republic.
Sam and Texas Oil
Texas oil comes from all the prostitutes Sam Houston killed and buried. Sam killed hisself a lot of prostitutes.
Sam and the Yellow Roses of Texas
The roses in Texas are yellow because they all gave up a portion of their life force to empower Sam Houston during his battle with the dragon Li Huang.
Sam and the Pecan Trees
There weren’t any pecan trees in Texas before Sam Houston. Before leaving Tennessee, Sam packed his cheeks with 40 pecans. Now when Sam got to Texas, he was so struck by its beauty that he accidentally swallowed all 40 of them pecans.
Every pecan grove in the state sprung up from the first 40 latrines Sam used in Texas.
Sam and the Wildcats
Sam Houston started the trend of naming sports teams “The Wildcats” after he defeated a pack of bobcats in a pickup match of Greco-Roman wrestling, being pinned only once.
Sam and the Vision Quest
After going on a vision quest in the deserts of West Texas, Sam Houston adopted the road runner as his spirit animal. He never lost another foot race.
Sam and the Poker Game
Sam Houston discovered the Theory of Relativity decades before Albert Einstein, but he lost it in a poker game with Stephen F. Austin.
Sam and the Caverns
Sam Houston accidentally released the Angel of Death when he reopened the opening to Natural Bridge Caverns for the first time in a thousand years. That was totally his fault, and he’s a big enough man to accept responsibility.
Sam and the Bats
The is a debate among experts whether or not Sam Houston was a vampire, but it is agreed that he could control Austin’s bat population with his mind.
Unparalleled Adventures Issue 1: Release Preview!
Here’s the cover for issue 1! It will contain special features, including a backup story starring the Golden Age hero The Red Bee!
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